You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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