i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
