you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a search helicopter?!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
