Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
