the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
