So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
