Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
