Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize