i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
