We won't sleep together?
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
