I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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