Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
