You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
