i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
