I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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