I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
