saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
