i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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