I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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