We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
