i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
