Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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