Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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