Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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