Got a toothbrush?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
