he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
