I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
