Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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