someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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