My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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