My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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