how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he was CRYING into my vagina
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
