chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
