Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
