You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
