I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
