I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
