Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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