the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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