i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
