Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
