life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
