Please, let me fuck your mom
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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