I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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