Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
