so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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