Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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