she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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