I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
