At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
