I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
