I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
