i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
