So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
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I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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