yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
