I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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