final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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