I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
