Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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