Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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