I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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